JACK THE GIANT SLAYER

Jack the Giant Slayer (15)

Director: Bryan SInger
Screenplay: Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie
Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Stanley Tucci, Ewan Mcgregor

Prepare for a giant adventure

What’s that you say? There’s a new film depicting massive flesh-eating creatures fighting against medieval warriors? It’s in IMAX and 3D? It stars Ian McShane, Ewan McGregor, and Stanley Tucci? It’s from the director of “The Usual Suspects” and “X-Men 1 & 2”? Whoa … count me in! What’s that? It’s based on “Jack and the Beanstalk”!? It’s a partial remake of “Jack the Giant Killer”!? It’s had mixed reviews in the USA and less than stellar box-office? It’s a “12A”!!!!???? *awkward silence*

Ooh-kay. Well, as mentioned this film is a partial remake of the 1962 Kerwin Matthews film, “Jack the Giant Killer” with added references to English lore and the tale of “Jack and the Beanstalk”. That 60’s film is quite obscure these days, but it used to be a staple Bank-Holiday film on British TV, much like “The Wizard of Oz” and “The Great Escape”. It was a fun little film, that was basically like the Ray Harryhausen “Sinbad” films, but with worse special effects. Seeing as it’s been acknowledged as a remake, I’m not sure why Jack is now a “slayer” instead of a “killer”. It doesn’t make much difference to the victim I suspect. “Mrs Smith, I’m afraid your husband has been brutally killed”. “Well, that’s alright officer, as long as he hasn’t been slain…” Ahem, I digress…

Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is a simple farm boy in the kingdom of Albion (aka Medieval Britain). He grows up listening to the legends of giants, who live in a floating island in the sky and like nothing better than snacking on humans, until banished by an ancient king. Years later, both his parents have shuffled off this mortal coil, and he lives with his shit of an Uncle (who disappears after about 10 minutes for no good reason). Sent to the local castle to sell his horse (you can see where this is going can’t you?), he comes into possession of some enchanted beans after a monk has stolen them from the kings advisor Lord Roderick (Stanley Tucci).



Roderick has a plan to use giants to take over the kingdom, apparently. The monk tells him not to get the beans wet (though presumably he can feed them after midnight, or shine bright light onto them…). Due to reasons too daft to go into, the beans get wet, roll under Jack’s abode, which then grows the Beanstalk, shooting the house straight up into the Giant’s kingdom. The Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) is on the lam (as she doesn’t want to be a Disney Princess anymore) and was unfortunately a tenant of the aforementioned abode at the time. Therefore, Jack and the King’s Guard (led by Ewen McGregor) scale the beanstalk to rescue her. But this creates an opportunity for Lord Roderick and the Giants to create chaos.

Right, bad stuff first. The script is, to be perfectly blunt, awful. It’s extremely perfunctory and lacking in wit and/or charm. “Princess Bride” it ain’t! Some of the lines seem to come from 70’s British Sit-coms. “He wouldn’t spill the beans”, after a Monk is tortured for the hiding place of the enchanted beans. “You’re barking up the wrong beanstalk, Jack”, etc., etc. Woeful. The two main characters (Jack & Isabelle) make an insipid pairing, and there’s no chemistry between the two. Jack himself comes across as one-dimensional, and only shows some dynamism late in the film. It’s not Hoult’s fault, as he was terrific in “X-Men: First Class”, and also in the wonderful “Warm Bodies”. That heroic spark is just missing from the screenplay. So, waste of time then?

Not so. The thing that really saves this film from total mediocrity is the Giants themselves. Excellent CGI creations, they are much, much better than they first appeared on the trailers and adverts. The first Giant encounter focuses on the features in all their eye-rolling, hairy-nosed, wrinkled-skin glory. As Jack cowers in shallow water, we see (in silhouette) it biting the head off a cute ickle lamb, and effortlessly grab a fleeing human. In fact the more grisly qualities of the Giants are not glossed over at all. Nasty creatures that graphically pick their nose, smell their armpits, and frequently bite/stomp/kill/eat fleeing humans. All good nasty stuff. In fact at one point, we get a close up of a character (not saying if it’s human or giant *taps nose secretly*), that gets its face crushed and its eyeball flies out of the screen! Literally if you’re watching in 3D! The take-no-prisoners-after-all-fairy-tales-are-gruesome mentality is well represented here.

There are some great set-pieces, especially one battle scene that has hordes of Giants suddenly emerging from a forest to battle a small army on the run. Both the kingdom of Albion (actually Somerset) and the Giants kingdom look gorgeous on the screen, with locations (such as Well’s Cathedral) put to good use. One other nice touch is the character of Elmont (Ewen McGregor) as the leader of the King’s guard. Far from being the conceited doofus he appears in the trailer, he’s actually a stand-up honourable guy and quite atypical for this type of movie. There should also be a special mention for the great Bill Nighy who does sterling work as Fallon, king of the Giants, with his features recognisable on the CG face.  UK character actors Eddie Marsan and Ewen Bremner are pretty wasted though, especially Bremner who plays the world’s most irritating evil sidekick!

The 3D is okay, but not essential, unless you want beans (or eyeballs) thrown at your face. Incidentally, there’s a nice little coda at the end, that explains why the rest of the world should respect the UK that little bit more … or else!

So all in all, despite the disappointing script and some uninspiring leading characters, don’t write this off as a throwaway family film and have a kip whilst the kids watch. The OTT antics of the Giants and the surprisingly violent set-pieces make it worth your while.
But I would like to say to the film studios … Enough already with the fairy tales!! You’ve made your point and you’ve peaked your profits. Flog another dead horse. Please.

An awful script and an insipid pair of leading characters threaten to slay the film itself. But it’s saved by the non-child-friendly portrayal of the giants, some great set-pieces, and some nice locations. This is one that horror fans can enjoy with the kids without feeling that they’ve sold out … too much.