THE HAUNTING OF WHALEY HOUSE

The Haunting of Whaley House (18)

Director: Jose Prendes
Screenplay: Jose Prendes
Starring: Alex Arleo, Arielle Brachfeld

Just because you don't believe in ghosts, doesn't mean they don't believe in you!

There is nothing so stomach-churning and horror-inducing as looking at the box of a DVD, and discovering that it’s been … *gulp* … produced and/or distributed by “The Asylum”! These guys single-handily invented and introduced the “mock-buster” genre to the world with such films as “Snakes on a train”(2006), “Paranormal Entity” (2009), and “30,000 Leagues under the Sea”(2007). You didn’t need a master’s degree in cinema history to know who these films were aping! Along with that, they also created the pinnacle of high-concept/low-budget guilty pleasures such as the monumental “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” (2009), “2-Headed Shark Attack” (2012), and the forthcoming bound-to-be-epic “Sharknado” (Tag Line: “Enough said!”). These are the films that prop up the film schedules for the SyFy channel and provide surprises for the unwary on DVD shelves. Apart from a serious shark fetish, the studio has also been responsible for distributing occasional critical successes like Stuart Gordon’s “King of the Ants” (2003). “The Haunting of Whaley House” is the latest Asylum studios film to be released on UK DVD. Directed and written by Jose Prendes, this film is based around a real location (more on that later) and several true experiences … albeit in the loosest possible sense.

Seemingly starting with some rejects from a Nickelodeon kid’s series, performing some anti-social behaviour outside the aforementioned property. Queue a silhouetted spook, and the umpteenth outing for the old “Final-Destination” chestnut of a truck appearing from nowhere and squelching a character. (Note to filmmakers: Please stop using this gag in genre films. It was jarring and effective in the first F-D film, but is just boring and over-used now!). Following this the opening credits roll, complete with “Danse Macabre” by Saint-Saens playing over the top, culture lovers! We then meet Penny Abbott (Stephanie Greco), who is the teenage tour guide to the Whaley House, showing visitors all the haunted “hot-spots”. When she leaves on this particular day, the owner of the house reminds her of the primary rules; don’t call out the Ghosts, don’t damage the house in any way, and NEVER go inside after nightfall. Penny meets up with her four friends and all those rules are broken in precisely three Nano-seconds! They’re also joined by a ghost-hunting buddy and his psychic acquaintance Keith Drummond (Howard McNair – just awful, but he does a lot of charity work, so I’ll be nice). They all fancy a bit of amateur Ghost-Busting, and it’s not long before the old Ouija shenanigans start. Of course, it all starts to go awry. Some deaths inside and outside the house apparently super-charge the resident spirits in the house. They take an apparent interest in Penny and members of the group start to drop like flies…

I had my fingers crossed that this might be a cut above the usual “Asylum” fare, and in some ways it is, but just not enough ways. For a start the script judders from some inspired lines (such as “What’s up with Seal?”, when the British psychic is taken ill) to a smorgasbord of clunkers. “This house is as haunted as fuck!” is used three times in the movie, and “I’ve had it with this shit Man!” is used five! Couple this with nonsensical lines such as “Just because you don’t believe in Ghosts, it doesn’t mean that they don’t believe in you”. I mean, seriously, what does that even mean? The line “This is a terrible way to spend a Saturday night” doesn’t help matters either… I must give plus points though, for the reference to Fulci and Argento in an argument between two characters.

With the exception of Stephanie Greco and Arielle Brachfeld (who plays Vanessa and has a couple of effective scenes towards the end), the performances are a bit duff. In particular, and I don’t like picking on a fellow Brit, Howard Mcnair creeps around the house being cryptic and spouting guff about “the vortex” and suchlike. Tiptoeing after spooks, saying “I know you’re here sweetie”, he is an awfully English character and an englishly awful actor.

The main spooks themselves are generic chalk-faced old codgers, who make sudden appearances via jump-cuts and camera angles. There is some variety introduced when “Santiago” is introduced. An old villain and the victim of a botched execution, his ghost is skeletal and slimy, but then he is just a re-run of “Tar-man” from “Return of the Living Dead”. He even walks the same! Much better is the possession sequence, with nods to “The Evil Dead”; this is a genuinely effective sequence with good make-up and acting. Pity nothing else really matches up to it…

In some respects, getting back to the analogy of Nickelodeon, it does feel like a kid’s ghost story, with extra added profanities and gore. There is a fair amount of blood splattered about, with an especially ripe arm-mangling and decapitation at the climax. Some of the gore scenes are ludicrous though. Would walking into a water pump really result in bloody impalement? I think not…

As mentioned previously, and I didn’t know this until I searched on the net (sorry for my ignorance, US readers…), but Whaley House is a genuine building and widely recognised in some areas as “the most haunted house in America” (according to “Life” magazine). Oddly enough the history and ghosts used in this film are all true to the history of the place (even if it was filmed at a different location). Of course the plot and the non-Whaley characters in the movie are absolute nonsense. For UK comparison, imagine if a Brit film was made about the Tower of London, with teens breaking into the bloody tower. The ghost of Henry VIII would be goosing all the ladies, and the ghost of Anne Boleyn would be attempting to lop off the heads of all and sundry. Just saying…

In retrospect, it’s nice seeing Asylum try something different like this, but future efforts would need more polish on the script and more originality around the concept.

DVD Extras: Trailer & a 10 minute making-of documentary.

 

It’s pretty awful and derivative. It does have a few redeeming scenes involving possession and gore, and the odd inspired line, but its best viewed with a belly-full of alcohol and a head-full of irony. File under “guilty pleasure for those easily pleased”…